Despair of Broken Heart

Shattered crystal glass
Memories the shards deadliest of blades
Crimson liquid wasting into earth
Light turning to shadows

Tears of pain staining my face
Death's freeze consuming
Laying in wait trying to hold on
Threads of hope shredding away to despair

"Careful not to cut your finger on the shard of a Broken Heart," they say...
As if it were like picking a wild red rose
Similarities being that both die
Ha! Only one bleeds and feels pain....

Life slowly draining from the soul within
Cries of pain into darkness
Nothing but silence for an answer
Letting go night gives way as dawn breaks

(Original Poem by Me)

*sigh*

You know my mother keeps telling that things will get easier...talking about my broken heart and shit...but somehow i dont see how it was been nearly a week and i still cant seem to get over this i dont think it ever took me this long before on my other ex or any of my crush... i never shed so many tears or been so damn depressed and the crazy thing is i have no fucking clue what to do about it...i keep wanting to tell jon how much i miss him but i got a feeling that it aint a smart idea...im trying my best to let him be so he can think without my interuptions....i completely alienated myself from the other guy too...so at the current moment i am completely and utterly alone and its making life way more tough to get thru....like i have nothing to be look afoward to on my weekends anymore just spending time by myself in the basement and dark....i really wonder (not to sound selfish) if jon knows how badly i miss him and love him...i wonder if i have even crossed his mind...i know i cant seem to get him off my mind....been taking sleeping pills just knock me out at night...last night i didnt take any though took me nearly 2 hours or more before my mind wore its self out and passed out...not the most restful sleep either....now i come to my second weekend alone this time sunday would mark our 4 month....*sigh*....i really dont know what to do...well guess thats enough my fuckin ramblings just had to vent....

Just When I thought I had no more tears to cry

Yes! I Screwed Up This Week! Now if only someone could put me outta my misery....Broke up with my the one guy i truly because my emotions got confused when another guy kissed me...so i thought i was doing the right thing....only managed to hurt both myself and jon...and now i just wanna die...i already managed to break my own heart...not to mention that i should go to hell for hurting jon whose only crime was loving me... id do anything to have him back too.....i never loved anyone like i love him and yet i managed to screw it up all cuz of another guy....i am so stupid....i wish i could just erase the past week like it never happened...then i'd still be with jon....now i have to wait for him decided if i am worth giving a second chance...i suck at being patient...lol...i cant even get a good night sleep....and just when you think i cant cry anymore i can .... i hate crying too but this time its worth the tears.....

*sigh*

Its been a while since i have posted so i figured it was time for an update on whats going on in my life/head....

Well since my last entry work has gotten better not nearly as stressful as it was a month ago. lol Mainly cause there are new trainees that are fairing worse than me which tend to make me look pretty good lol....

Work aside i have been finding timing here and there to hang with friends when i am invited to hang out with them.....though i am now trying to stay commited to saving majority of my paycheck now so that i can buy myself a car in a few months. The only other thing i will be paying for is my phone, and the food the i consume here...and the only other thing that i actually want that i have to spend a little extra on in a new piercing....but that wont be for a few weeks i dont think....i still have to call the shop and see what the cost will be. The only other reason i spend money on is for doing little things for my boyfriend...Yesterday made it two months for us :D And I can honestly say I really Love him and i dont think i can be any happier with life right now....Theres is honestly nothing i look foward to more than the weekends where i know that he is coming home and i am gunna get to see him and be able to snuggle up to him for a few hours.... before he goes back to his base.... anyways thats enough rambling for a while so later....

Goodnight-

Blah

Guess its about time for my weekly update. Well work is going well...it is still slightly stressful but i like it alot better than i did working at mandees in the mall...most of the people i work with are all pretty kool. my week in florida was interesting got to see my beloved big brother whom i dont get to see often cuz he is in the air force and is stationed in japan. i only got to see him for like 5 hours cuz he got back from a cruise that he took with his girlfriend...they are now offically engaged which is kool...but also scary cuz i am in someways the next in line amongst my brother and cousins eligible for such a relationship...kinda creepy if you ask me...lol

anyways i got back to binghamton last friday and that was just a nightmare...i offically hate flying now....lol either way i am happy to be back home with my makeshift family i have made for myself. lol other than that there aint really a whole lot going on just chilling working and figuring out this relationship stuff which is always fun...

well its late and i am fairly tired...

goodnight-
Angel

On being in Florida

Okay so I came down to florida to see my family get my drivers license and tie up some loose ends...and from the second i step of the plane and into my mothers car i started missing the new life that i had created for my in binghamton. Yeah there isnt really a whole lot to it there but there i have friends whom have become like family to me and other people in my life that make life worth living. Unlike here in florida...the only thing i have accomplished is getting the priviledge to drive by myself without someone else in the car with me....other than that i feel like i have been put back into a box and not being the person that i am becuz most things like smoking, drinking, cursing, and even little things like playing D&D are not exceptable here among the people i know here in florida...and i also have to deal with being treated like kid again by my parents telling me what to do and what not to do...its like they forget the fact that i am now 21 and independant for the most part...well needless to say i will be back in binghamton late tomorrow afternoon and i am gunna wanna have fun maybe even go to dennys since i havent eaten there in a while lol...either way i can not wait to get back to my home, and friends/family....

everybody's fool

Okay so i dont get it i find someone of interest that likes me back and all...then they seemingly decide to find ways to make me jealous!!! i hate being jealous and i know it is normally stupid to be jealous but sometime i cant help it....this time it happens to be that this person hit a nerve that reminded me of my ex and how he treated me....not a very good memories at all....for the most part i block them out but i am a very insecure person...i know that i am not the most attractive person in the world therefore it is easy for someone that i like to find another girl that looks twice as good as me its easy...so i guess i feel like i have some what of a reason to be insecure when i am constantly aware that there might be some girl that is way more smart, intelligent and attractive than i can ever be waiting to steal the attention of the guy that i like. i dont know anymore i really dont....is a relationship really worth all this bullshit?

"Everybody's Fool"
perfect by natureicons of self indulgencejust what we all needmore lies about a world that
never was and never will behave you no shame don't you see meyou know you've got everybody fooledlook here she comes nowbow down and stare in wonderoh how we love youno flaws when you're pretendingbut now i know shenever was and never will beyou don't know how you've betrayed meand somehow you've got everybody fooledwithout the mask where will you hidecan't find yourself lost in your lie i know the truth nowi know who you areand i don't love you anymoreit never was and never will beyou don't know how you've betrayed meand somehow you've got everybody fooledit never was and never will beyou're not real and you can't save mesomehow now you're everybody's fool

staying single and moving

So i was told that i needed to blog more and since i havent in a few weeks i guess it is time for an update...lol.

Well i have been working at dunkin doughnuts for about 3 weeks now and its all good i get more hours than i did when i worked at Mandees so im happy cuz i am getting more money...so yay me...

as for the rest of life i am offically living at mitchs house im supposed to go to the post office to get a change of address form...its more convient for me to live there and walk to work in the morning and afternoon...

other than that stuff i am really am not sure how much longer i will remain single for...considering i have found someone of great interest and potential...i just gotta see what happens before i say anything more than that...

so i guess thats all the updating i am gonna do for now...

Goodnight
-Angel

Life

So...life has gotten interesting in the last few weeks...last monday i got hired at dunkin' doughnuts which turns out to be a slightly stressful job when one is in training...but then again maybe thats just cuz i am a perfectionist and expect alot more from myself than other people expect from me...guess thats just artist mentalitly that i have developed. Anyways since i have realized that i will be getting more hours there and it is more profitably for me to work there. I worked my offical last day at mandee's this past saturday and i pick up my last check from them on thursday....and all i gotta say is thank god! its not like they were giving me any reason to stay there anyways...and i am also realizing how hard keeping my new years resolution of being single for the next year is going to be...after all i am a natural flirt and can be slightly boy crazy every once in a while. So i guess i am just gunna aim to stay single for aslong as i can...basically until i find someone that i am interested in that isnt a complete ass...lol Anyways thats all i got for now write more later.

-Angel-

For the Record...

For those of you who think its a fun idea to try hooking me up with someone...(cough cough) dont bother. I will only hook up with someone of my choice and only when I want to!
Thank You!

Dilema

Okay, so I got a dilema....

So apparently my new years resolution will be harder to keep than i thought originally. See the reason for the resolution is because this past year i went thru a bit of heart ache thanks to two jackasses...and so now i am kinda nervous about the thought of even getting close to being in a relationship. Friendships just seem so much safer for the moment...then again living life on the safe side is never any fun afterall i do enjoy living on the edge of life...and life is all about taking chances one way or another right? But the other thing is that at the current moment i dont find it apporpriate to get involved in a relationship because i fear that they would just be a rebound and i would be interested in them for the wrong reason....i guess another reason i am having an issue with this is because before when i lived here i people my age always found ways to pick on me and put me down and laugh at me. All i remember from liking guys back in florida is being rejected and laughed at...so to come up here and to think that thus far i know of four guys that have liked me even if two are jackasses...still this is all a very foreign concept to me and i cant figure out what guys see here that guys did not see in florida...? Its so confusing! I really dont know what to think...or whether or not what i've been feeling is actually pure and genuine...the last thing i wanna do is use someone and hurt them.

Thats for the most part my dilema....the question is what am/should i do? Guess i will figure it out eventually.Write more later.

Goodnight

-Angel-

Hello...

Hello,

Well I decided to start this new blog becuz its used among more of my friends than my other blog...so here i am....guess i should prolly write a little about myself so that who ever decides to read this can understand some of my future entries...

For starters i am originally from the sunny state of florida and i just recently moved to upstate new york. It was a very random decision as i was up here for a wedding and decided to not go back home. But since being up here life seems to have taken on a whole new meaning for me. Back in florida i really had no worries or responsiblities or much of a life either. Since random move though i have gotten a job and even made some friends whom i must admit life would be very boring without even if they do annoy the shit outta me. lol

If anything i feel that the trials that i have gone through since being here have taught me many life lessons...and i think i have definetly grown in character since being here...back in florida i was pretty anti-social and could careless about anything...my one goal was earning money enough to get myself to england...:)

Now though I find myself actually enjoying the company of people my own age and interacting with them a bit better than i used to....most of the people i was around before were all my parents friends and therefore way older than me and i think it made me age mentally a little more than i should have...so now i am trying to get back the mentality of a 21 year old and trying to enjoy life more...thanks to new friends that i continually find myself relaxing and not taking life so serious....as well i am also trying to learn how take the bad more depressing times better instead of taking it all hard i am trying to shrug it all off...and just ride the wave of life and see where it takes me....i just hope it doesnt kill me first lol.....

All I know that i want from life is to be happy, have good friends, and a good guy to share it with...so far i have happiness and good friends for the most part...As for the good guy part I think that might take a little longer seeing as i only know of one good guy that i would even think of sharing life with....and sadly he aint even here :( plus i made it my new years resolution to be completely single for the next year so i guess thats one way i will be sure to keep it lol unless he visits me lol....

Yeah so I guess thats all that really matters about me and my life...theres more to come eventually...

-Good Night-

Angel